Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The Hormones, They Are A-Raging

I'm sitting here at the computer, while a sweet, chubby little boy is snuggled so close to me, I'm not sure where I end and he begins.

That's not entirely true.

I end at the giant belly.

His sweet little head, with hair that smells like Heaven, is nestled against my shoulder. My view is the softest little feetsies God ever created. I get to lean over and kiss him as much as I want, and he lets me every time. He snuggles in a little closer, if that's even possible.

I'm so blessed.

It's enough to bring on a flood of tears.

(But so is the "joke" that Hubs and my builder played on me: we're putting Formica in the kitchen. Um. NO. That builder. Funny guy. And VERY convincing.)

Couple days ago I tried to tell Christian how much I love her, and dissolved into tears. She just smiled her sweet little smile and said, "I know you love me, Mom!" What a girl I have.

Later that day, I had an army of "volunteers" scrubbing doors, baseboards and walls. I just couldn't stand it any more.

I *loathe* these hormones that seem to be running my life (and my moods) lately.

I also loathe sciatic nerve pain.

I'm almost 38 weeks, which means this pregnancy could be over any day now. And if the way my body has been acting lately is any indication, it will be.

And that makes me sad.

For the first time ever.

I'm not good at being pregnant. I've never enjoyed it, but I've tried with this one.

This last one.

Which is what makes me sad.

Don't get me wrong; I don't want more babies.

Most of the time.

But we're done.

DONE.

D. O. N. E.

It's just that it's the end of this phase of my life. In a few more weeks, I'll never again feel one of our babies moving around in my body. I'll never again have a giant belly (I HOPE!) that Hubs can't resist reaching out and touching as I go by. I'll never again see the radiant smile light up my kids' faces as they feel or see a much-anticipated sibling moving around in my belly.

And that hurts.

As much as I want this one to be the last, there's still a small part of me that will be so sad, knowing we'll never again look forward to bringing a newborn home from the hospital. Or be awakened in the middle of the night for diaper changes and feedings.

But I won't be sad to be rid of sciatic nerve pain.

So there's light, I guess.


1 comment:

MaryAnne K said...

Nerve pain is evil.

But I love this post - all you write about missing. It took me four babies to learn to let go enough to enjoy the pregnancy a little. It's a nice change!