Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Time, It is Slipping Away

From me, that is.

This baby will be born in four months. FOUR. MONTHS.

My new house will not be finished before then. I have resigned myself to that fact.

In six months, Christian will be in the fifth grade, and Cullen will start kindergarten. This just breaks my heart. I love them so, so, sooooo much.

Christian had Hubs and me all to herself for over four years, before Cullen came along. 

Then I quit my teaching job to stay home with them. During the days, it was just Cullen and me. For two years. 

Then this little guy came along.

And stole my heart all over again. I didn't even realize it was still there for the taking, but it was.

But it just makes me so very sad to think that he is the only one of my children that won't have me all to himself, even for a short time.

I envisioned the coming year so much differently than it's turning out.

I thought our house would be finished by now, and we'd be all moved in, or, at the very least, almost finished with construction.

My heart was set on having Cavan all to myself this next school year.

I've been preparing myself for Cullen to be gone during the day, and just typing that brings on a flood of tears. It just breaks my heart, thinking of him not being here every day.

I'm not ready for him to grow up. I'm not ready for him to be gone all day.

But I just really, really wanted Cavan to experience what Christian and Cullen did: undivided attention, and lots of hugs, kisses and snuggles all to himself.

He gets bunches; with a face like this one, it would take a heart of stone to resist! He is such a loving, snuggly little guy. I can't sit down for a minute without him sitting so close to me that I can't move, or just taking over my lap. Most days, he and Cullen fight over who gets to sit right next to me, and who gets my lap. Either way, I'm more focused on kissing their sweet cheekies and the tops of their heads, than in anything else around me.

 I know God's plans are better than mine, but, wow, does it hurt letting them go.

This little guy just brings so much joy to my days, even as he brings destruction!

He's active, and curious, and extremely intelligent. He has a personality all his own, and it is such a blessing to experience on a daily basis.

He loves to stay busy. We picked up a fire-engine-boat-thingy from Home Depot, and I "helped" him put it together.

He just loves "working." A few months ago, a construction site went up for a hotel being built on the edge of town. Hubs told Cullen that he better show up at the job site early the next morning, to report for work. He said it was time Cullen got a job. He was FOUR. So first thing the next morning, Cullen told me that I needed to drive him over to the construction site so he could get to work! Funnier still, was that he was perfectly serious, and not at all happy with me that I wouldn't do it!

Back to the boat: he painted it himself. I showed him where the wood glue and nails went, and he did that, too.

And of course, was super-proud of his masterpiece!

I am so going to miss this face next year.


MaryAnne said...

I have a hard time sending them off to school, too. Will Cullen have full-day kindergarten?

Lily is my ONLY child to have had any alone time - a couple hours a day last fall, before Emma switched over to afternoon kindergarten. It's been nice!

Tracye said...

I think it's a full day. When Christian went, it was from 7:55 until 2:50. We're in a different district now, and I think theirs is from 8:00 (same start time as Christian) until 3:00, while she gets out at 3:30.

Kelsey said...

Harrison was only 9 months old when I got pregnant with Harper & I felt the same way about not getting in one-on-one time with him. But he definitely doesn't seem to feel like he's missing out! He still gets plenty of attention and kisses and hugs and an added bonus of having a sibling close in age to play with.

Maybe you could enlist the kidnappers in the family to keep one child at a time so you could still get some solo bonding in? I know it's not the same...and I know it doesn't change the fact that you're sending another baby off to kindergarten. Letting go is so tough.