Last night was one of unending nightmares.
The kind you pray to wake up from.
The kind that leaves you exhausted in the morning, and unwilling to go back to sleep.
I dreamed about Christian last night.
I was talking to one of my old college professors, when he mentioned "they" had gotten some test results back about her. The tests revealed she had some learning problems, and that she would begin to regress mentally. She wouldn't be able to live a normal life.
Putting this dream into words, hours later, is breaking my heart all over again.
Suddenly I was in my church, where Christian learned and was cared for until she was five. All of her, and my, former teachers were there. I passed them as I ran, sobbing, through the halls, looking for a phone. I think I needed to call her doctor. I ran by so many familiar faces.
When I got to a phone, her doctor was already on the line. He told me not only was she mentally delayed, but there was a problem with her reproductive system. She would never be able to have children. As I processed this, I started to panic again. I wanted to know what they were looking for when they discovered that.
I dropped the phone and ran to the hospital. When I got there, I found that dozens of people were at the counter in the waiting room. They were all looking for answers about their loved ones. I was alone and began asking strangers if I could borrow their phone. Finally someone shoved a black flip phone into my hands.
I needed to call my mother but couldn't remember the number.
I looked up and saw my brother visiting a friend of his that worked in the hospital. I asked him repeatedly, desperately, if he would tell me her number, but he ignored me.
I kept remembering Christian as a toddler. Throughout my dream, I saw her as she was before the boys were born, when it was just the three of us.
I can't wait for school to end today.