Friday, January 15, 2010

I Cry

MckMama’s post really struck a chord in me. She put into words what I’ve felt for years.

I don’t like change. I’m not fond of moving forward. With just about anything.

My mom says I cried at my second birthday because I didn’t want to get older. I’ve cried at every single birthday my children have had. As I hear and sing “Happy Birthday,” my throat tightens and my chest constricts. My eyes water and my voice trembles.

And I cry.

I don’t want to mark another passing year.

I don’t want them to grow older.

I don’t want them to get bigger.

It kills me to look at old pictures and home movies. I miss their tiny hands, their little faces. I miss the smell of their breath; their upturned noses. I miss their baby laughs.

Baby laughs.

Last night as I cried, Hubs tried to comfort me. He mentioned having another baby. While that would be wonderful, it’s not what I want.

I want my babies to be babies again.

I want to hold Christian, as a baby, again.

I want to hold Cullen, as a baby, again.

This morning as Cavan fussed, I held his sturdy, strong little body to mine, and thought, “I’m going to miss this so much.”

I stroked his bald little head, and tried to burn into my memory the feel of his peach fuzz. I breathed in his scent and hoped someday, years from now, I’ll be able to remember this moment and smell him all over again. I want to remember the feel of his head in the crook of my elbow. I want to remember the feel of his soft little bottom in my hand. I want to remember how he waves his arms and kicks his legs when he sees me. I want to remember how he opens his mouth wide and bites my cheek with his toothless gums when I snuggle him. I hope I remember that his beautiful skin is the softest thing God ever created.

This morning as he looked out the window at the rain, I tried to memorize each curve of his profile, storing it away in my mind, exactly how he looked at that moment.

But the fact is, I won’t.

Years from now as I cheer them on at their volleyball and baseball games, as I sit in the audience at their high school and college graduations, as I watch them speak their wedding vows and cradle their own babies, it won’t all come back to me.

I won’t recall just the way their voices sound; I won’t recall the way Christian always asks about what I did when I was little; I won’t recall snuggling with Cullen on the couch as it rains; I won’t recall the way all three of them talk and sing in the car, trying to drown each other out; I won’t be able to feel a little body next to mine, or their hair against my lips, their scent filling my nose.

And that’s what hurts so much.

So I cry.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

the feeling never goes away...you always want to feel and remember when your children were little. in your mind they will always be that way...just senialty ??? sets in and the mind loses some of the memories...still...you love them till you are gone...and enjoy their times to shine... grandchildren are wonderful for making you remember when yours were small..enjoy the moment mil

maryanne @ mama smiles said...

Beautiful. I wish I could freeze little moments in time and revisit them. Because already I hold Lily and struggle to remember holding Emma, or even Johnny when they were so tiny. Why do we have to forget?

This post made me cry.

Tracye said...

Thanks.

I know what you mean.

It made me cry as I wrote it.

Erin said...

im the same way too...every lil milestone makes me smile and cry. we went for a bed the other nite for N and i had tears in my eyes. they just don't stop growing do they :(

kelsey said...

Okay, you just made me sob. I feel this way too and mine is only a month old. I feel desperate to freeze time. As much as I love seeing him change and develop, I just want him to stay a newborn forever. I feel this anxiety to capture every sweet moment in my mind or on film b/c I know they are fleeting and will be gone far sooner than I am comfortable with.

Beautifully written, btw.

Kari Yeager said...

Very good post!

Mrs. Jones said...

That's a tough pill for me to swallow. I especially miss peach fuzz heads that smell like Baby Magic. I enjoy my kids so much at every stage, though, so that makes it a little better (teenagers are actually a lot of fun!).

~Heather