Saturday, September 12, 2009

"The Procedure" Results Are In

As you can probably imagine, I have been so unbelievably down lately. All I've been able to think about is no more babies, ever. And that maybe I wouldn't even be around to see my own babies grow up. I have definitely been depressed, that's for sure. The last few weeks I've been scared, and angry every now and then, at the thought of my own plans being crushed. Each time I'd start to think, "What if..." I'd have to cast down vain imaginations and bring my thoughts into captivity. Then confess healing. And then try to deal with Cullen's shenanigans.

Last night I went to the grocery store alone, and on the way home, all I wanted to do was sing praise and worship songs at the top of my lungs; the deep songs that really move you. I had to force myself to keep my hands on the wheel instead of lifted, and to keep my eyes open on the road. I drove slowly to prolong my time in the car, and I felt like I was at some kind of turning point. I can't say I had peace, but I knew that whatever God's plan was, I'd be able to accept. I just kept thanking Him for the blessings He's given to me, and the beautiful, sweet babies He's given me. We're not going to be the next Duggar's, but we want another baby or two... someday.

I have a gadget on my sidebar that rotates a different Scripture each day. The other night I was up late and noticed it:

Isaiah 46:4Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

I was so shocked at seeing it. I prayed for healing and went to bed. Yesterday, it was still on my blog. So I checked it several times, just to re-read that verse. The only thing I can guess is that I saw it for the first time after midnight, and so it was still there all day yesterday.

My doctor's nurse called today with the pathology reports from last week's surgery...



Of course we are so relieved, overjoyed, and thankful that God has chosen to heal me. Actually, that's just the tip of what we're feeling today. I called Hubs to tell him, and it was all I could do to keep from weeping. I've done enough of that lately, so I just laughed hysterically.

I have to go back every three months for the next two years for checkups, but I'm expecting great news at each visit.

Thank you all for praying for me.

I have no idea why God allowed me to go through this, only to be completely healed, or why He allowed Chubs to be hurt at birth and face a devastating and permanent condition, only to be completely healed, or why He allowed Cullen to face Down's Syndrome in utero, only to be born completely healthy.

I have no idea. Why has He chosen me and my family to face tribulation and fear time and time and time again, and bring us through it whole and strong? Why has he called others home to Him instead of healing their disease?

I have no idea.

Maybe so that we might learn to trust Him? Maybe to grow our faith? Maybe to strengthen our family bond? Maybe so that others might see and believe?

It doesn't matter to me why this is what He has chosen for me. He was with me in the Valley of Death's Shadow, and now I'm lying down in green pastures.

I'm just so thankful to be here.


Crystal said...

I am SO overjoyed to read that everything is okay! Of course we don't know God's plans, but, maybe God has chosen you to face these hardships, so that you can share your faith in Him with others. Reading your stories may plant the seed of faith in someone's heart.

Huse Yo Mama said...

What terrific news to hear this morning!!! YAY! God is good!

Kelsey said...

Oh Tracye....that is SUCH GOOD NEWS! And thank you for being so transparent on your blog. Your faith is such an inspiration to others. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that the trials we are faced with help to strengthen our trust in God and bring us closer to Him and to others. Submitting and surrendering ourselves to God's plan versus our plan is such a wonderful and humbling experience. Even when sometimes it's an extremely difficult thing to do.

And I think you owe it to all of us to have at least 1 or 2 more kiddos. You make such beautiful babies you can't stop at 3! :)

MaryAnne said...

This is a beautiful post, and so wonderful to hear such good news!

Anonymous said...

i am just so thankful to God that you are alright. the mother of my beautiful, mischievious granchildren. the wife of my son (you deserve a medal). i hope i hang in there for more...i am old you know...ask christian and now cullen...he told me yesterday that i am old and just and god bless you. mil

Best S.I.L. said...

Keep having them babies!! I can't be the only lunatic running around in our family!!! It will also give "people" something to complain about!! Love, XOXOXOX

Lisa said...

MaryAnne said: This is a beautiful post, and so wonderful to hear such good news!

I agree!


Thank you for sharing your faith with me.

Tracye said...

Thank you all! It feels pretty good to know everything's okay!

sarahe said...

wow--we have a lot in common (at least f/m what i gather so far...) i am the "this woman" from the to love honor and vacuum site where you commented about your husbands similar food issues. i'm also dealing with illness, and am slowly but surely starting to bake for profit.. fun times. glad to hear about the healing in your life! i think i will have to follow your blog now! ;)

Mzzterry said...

Praise the Lord. God is so very good. I hope you celebrate BIG!!

Lori ~ The Simple Life at Home said...

Oh, Tracye, I'm so happy that everything is ok. I've been out of the bloggy loop for a while, so I'm sorry that I hadn't checked in sooner and known what was going on so I could have been praying. I'm sure this was a scary time for you. How amazing to see God's goodness. Big hugs!!

Melody said...

Wow, I've been away from all blog reading for awhile, and I'm glad that when I showed back up here it was to see the good news, BEFORE the bad! I'm so sorry that I had no idea that you were going through anything like this!

I guess now I'll have to go back and find out what I missed, but at least now I know that it has a happy ending!