As you can probably imagine, I have been so unbelievably down lately. All I've been able to think about is no more babies, ever. And that maybe I wouldn't even be around to see my own babies grow up. I have definitely been depressed, that's for sure. The last few weeks I've been scared, and angry every now and then, at the thought of my own plans being crushed. Each time I'd start to think, "What if..." I'd have to cast down vain imaginations and bring my thoughts into captivity. Then confess healing. And then try to deal with Cullen's shenanigans.
Last night I went to the grocery store alone, and on the way home, all I wanted to do was sing praise and worship songs at the top of my lungs; the deep songs that really move you. I had to force myself to keep my hands on the wheel instead of lifted, and to keep my eyes open on the road. I drove slowly to prolong my time in the car, and I felt like I was at some kind of turning point. I can't say I had peace, but I knew that whatever God's plan was, I'd be able to accept. I just kept thanking Him for the blessings He's given to me, and the beautiful, sweet babies He's given me. We're not going to be the next Duggar's, but we want another baby or two... someday.
I have a gadget on my sidebar that rotates a different Scripture each day. The other night I was up late and noticed it:
Isaiah 46:4Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
I was so shocked at seeing it. I prayed for healing and went to bed. Yesterday, it was still on my blog. So I checked it several times, just to re-read that verse. The only thing I can guess is that I saw it for the first time after midnight, and so it was still there all day yesterday.
My doctor's nurse called today with the pathology reports from last week's surgery...
THEY GOT IT ALL AND THERE WILL BE NO HYSTERECTOMY FOR ME!!!!!!
Of course we are so relieved, overjoyed, and thankful that God has chosen to heal me. Actually, that's just the tip of what we're feeling today. I called Hubs to tell him, and it was all I could do to keep from weeping. I've done enough of that lately, so I just laughed hysterically.
I have to go back every three months for the next two years for checkups, but I'm expecting great news at each visit.
Thank you all for praying for me.
I have no idea why God allowed me to go through this, only to be completely healed, or why He allowed Chubs to be hurt at birth and face a devastating and permanent condition, only to be completely healed, or why He allowed Cullen to face Down's Syndrome in utero, only to be born completely healthy.
I have no idea. Why has He chosen me and my family to face tribulation and fear time and time and time again, and bring us through it whole and strong? Why has he called others home to Him instead of healing their disease?
I have no idea.
Maybe so that we might learn to trust Him? Maybe to grow our faith? Maybe to strengthen our family bond? Maybe so that others might see and believe?
It doesn't matter to me why this is what He has chosen for me. He was with me in the Valley of Death's Shadow, and now I'm lying down in green pastures.
I'm just so thankful to be here.