Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The Meltdown Came Shortly After

Alternatively Titled: Angelic-Looking Two-Year Old For Sale on E-Bay My Day; A Recap

I was happily dreaming about what chocolate dessert I wanted to order (seriously. I could see them all, and I wanted them all) from some restaurant I've never been to, when I heard a noise that wasn't restauranty.

It's a word. Trust me.

Anyway, I slowly came awake, only to realize both boys were crying. Grumpily I looked at my bedside clock: 9:45 (I know!). I jumped out of bed and ran maniacally around the house gathering breakfast for Cullen and me, and all my nursing paraphernalia for Chubs.

I went into their room and picked up a snotty, blubbering Cullen. Immediately I felt that his diaper had failed overnight. His clothes, bedding and ganket were soaked. I stripped him down and ran warm water for a bath. Washing him took less than a minute, so I tried to get him out, but he had become fascinated by some new tub toys and wanted to stay in.
I let him, and went to get Gigantor. After I changed his diaper we settled in together for breakfast. Soon after, my SIL called to let me know she didn't feel like working today was home with a sick boy and we got to talking. During a pause in the conversation, I noticed strange sounds coming from the bathroom. It almost sounded like empty bottles being squirted into the tub, but that could not be, since the bottles of shampoo and conditioner were full.

Apparently, he decided he needed bubbles. In his mind, the best way to achieve that is to empty a bottle of shampoo and a bottle of conditioner into your bath. Great.

I got him out, dried him off, and got him dressed. Then I went to pick up Fatty McButterpants, who was quite offended that he had been put down, and was not shy about letting me know.

After I calmed him down, I realized the house was too quiet, so I went to check on Cullen. He was in Christian's room, gleefully spreading the money from her piggy bank around the floor. Ugh. I told him to put every coin back. We went through this exact scenario about a month ago, so I thought it was a job he could handle.

I headed for the ringing phone, and left him to his task. After I hung up, I went back to see his progress. There was quite a bit, actually. See, he had found a bag full of crap magnetic letters, numbers, animals and vehicles, and decided to throw them around her bed like he was throwing beads at Mardi Gras.

Deep breaths. Serenity now.

Once again, I instructed him to clean up. And once again, I headed off to take care of the myriad other things I had to do, i.e. change Rascall Fatts.

Upon next check-up, I discovered that he had moved on to bigger and better things: her closet. He had pulled books from the shelves, pulled down all the games and cards, and spread them over the remaining visible carpet in her room. The carpet that I had spent Monday morning vacuuming and steam cleaning, but I digress. By this time, I gave up trying to get him to clean it up. It just wasn't worth it.

He wanted to watch Caillou, so I put it on for him.

I was cleaning the kitchen when, once again, I realized the house was very quiet. I headed to his room, but instead found him on the floor in his bathroom, spraying Windex on everything, and wiping it up with toilet paper. "I cleanin,' Mama!" He proudly told me. His underwear was actually blue, and soaked with the spray. So, I grabbed him up, wiped him down, and called the number on the bottle. The lovely people at S.C. Johson assured me that Windex is 80% water, plus a little alcohol, and as long as he wasn't acting drunk, he'd be okay. I thanked them, hung up, and called Poison Control, since the idiots at S.C. Johnson clearly had no clue what they were talking about. The Poison Control people told me the same thing, and said to give him a sugary snack or drink.

I got a cold root beer out of the fridge and sat him on the couch to watch "A Goofy Movie." He was sooo excited! A whole root beer, in the can, all to himself. He took a sip, and then poured it all over the cushion.

Are you freaking kidding me???

I changed his underwear (for what, the 17th time today?) and sent him to his room.

It was noon.


Lisa said...

Your blog is HI-larious! So glad I was able to find some SAHM who decorate cakes and have a great sense of humor!

Anonymous said...

my baby must be innocent....he just wanted attention...he has to work hard to keep you on your toes. never boring when he is around...he just needs grandma...take a deep breath and it will all be ok...really it will..until fatty gets moving too. he is watching it all... love you all mil... how about christian....

Best S.I.L said...

Well since I have already heard this story, let me compliment you on the gorgeous new background!! I love it!!

Anonymous said...

i also forgot to say how cute mr fatts is...he is such a doll. cullen looks so skinny...but cute also... love mil

Anonymous said...

i did not forget about cullen and cavan on tenley's note...she associates me with christian... that was why i put christians grandma...i love all my kids...cullen needs a little extra right now...because he is so busy..christian is no 1, so do not forget that...she reminds me all the time... love ya mil

Anonymous said...

Ummmmm and you are thinking you MIGHT want more??!!?? I am telling you, I will loan you mine!!!! :)


Melanie said...

hahaha--Oh Cullen--never a dull moment with that boy. I wonder what him and Fatty are going to get in too? Double Trouble!!

MaryAnne said...

Your kids are adorable. I hate days like this, but they are fun to read about afterwards!

D Lo said...

I got a good laugh...and of course a huge smile to start my day!